I did not set out to "start over" this week, but here I am. Let me back up...I have mindfully started over weekly, if not more often, since 10/10/2011. That is the Monday of our first full week back home from our last trip to Ireland. Every week began with the best intentions, intentions which quickly dissolved at the first hint of stress, irritability, sadness, longing (for Ireland), and the list goes on...
Was no time after we arrived home that I realized I had one more disordered way of thinking about food. Oddly enough, nothing sounded appetizing to me at all, except fruit or sweets. Lunches were especially problematic. The big salads I was having most days before our vacation made me cringe. I tried...repeatedly (and wasted way too much in the process). Finally I determined that I couldn't stomach one more salad. Unfortunately, I am still in that frame of mind, where nothing sounds especially appetizing. That said, I sit here 30 lb heavier than I was two years ago. How did that happen when nothing sounds appetizing? I gave a big clue a few lines above...
Living a bad dream...that is the (drastic) way this feels to me. Since we got back from our 2009 trip I vowed to lose weight once and for all. Doing things on that trip made me very uncomfortable (breathless) and I was determined to make the 2011 trip a totally different story. I was successful! I lost 42 lb. I was in the best physical condition of my adult life...heck, of all my life. I felt amazing.
And then....I can't tell you what happened but almost two years later and I'm about 12 lb away from where this all started in 2009. Daily I knew I must get a grip and stop the sweets and increase the activity. And almost daily, I would fail. During that time I felt powerless to stop the harmful habits and increase helpful ones. I tried different things to keep my weight from rising and to hopefully drop the ever-increasing pounds I was accumulating. I even tried a therapist for a brief stint, but I felt like she did not take me serious at how desperate I felt and how much I needed help with repairing my thoughts about food.
So here I am - two months away from Ireland 2013 and uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel so incredibly full of ... angst I suppose is the word I'm hunting for ... because I am not sure that I will be able to walk up the road to Slieve League this time. I am scared of feeling crammed into an airplane seat like I did when I was at my heaviest. I have almost no clothes that fit me.
I have gone into I MUST DO THIS NOW mode. And I am so thankful that I've had no desire to treat (punish, really) myself with sweet junk this week. I think it is due to a very unlikely thing that has kept me in line during my work days. Klondike ice cream sandwiches. Yeah, I know they are not healthy. I know they are filled with carbs/sugar. I know they are not "clean". And I - DO NOT CARE. I will say this: they are a MUCH better choice than what I was punishing myself with.
So, why is this little bugger keeping me in check? I have told myself that if I can forgo junk during the day I can have one as a treat at night. I can enjoy this treat with my husband...and let Charlie (my Beagle) lick the vanilla ice cream from the wrapper. Next week we'll have a different little frozen treat. It's been nice to have one on these very hot days/nights!
So this week - I've started over yet again. I feel like maybe, just maybe, this time I will see some results.
